Being Kind Is Easy Until Someone Is Unkind to You

By Zoë Ellender, Founder and Director of Sugar Bay Camp

At Sugar Bay, we sometimes give a child who's been bullying other children a job to do.

I can imagine some parents being quite horrified by that.

We don't tolerate bullying at camp. If a child is being hurt or picked on, our first responsibility is to stop it and make sure that child feels safe.

But after 25 years of working with children, I've learnt that the child causing the trouble often needs our help too.

Sometimes our counselors will draw that child aside, spend some time with them and give them a small responsibility. They might ask them to help with an activity or involve them in something where they can feel useful.

I've seen this work remarkably well.

A child who's been getting attention by behaving badly suddenly gets attention for doing something positive. Sometimes that attention is exactly what they've been looking for.

Of course, it doesn't work with every child, and it doesn't excuse the bullying. But I've learnt to be careful about judging a child entirely by their worst behaviour.

What Andile Khumalo got me thinking about

I recently attended an Entrepreneurs' Organization event where Andile Khumalo spoke about his book, Things I Wish I Knew.

He mentioned that if he had to choose a favourite chapter, it would be his last one, called Don't Be a Schmuck.

I've since been reading the book, and that chapter particularly appealed to me.

Andile writes about the importance of treating people with kindness and respect, regardless of how successful or wealthy you become. He credits many of the opportunities he's had in business to the relationships he's built and the way he's treated people along the way.

I agree with him very strongly.

But I found myself wanting to add something.

You also have to be kind to the schmuck.

And that's much harder.

It's easy enough to be kind to someone who's pleasant and appreciative. But what about someone who's being rude, arrogant or aggressive towards you?

In my experience, people who behave that way aren't always as confident as they appear. Sometimes there's something else going on that we know nothing about.

I see this with children at camp, and I've certainly encountered it in adults.

When parents become angry

One of the more difficult parts of running a children's camp is dealing with parents when something has gone wrong.

Sometimes a child has been disciplined for behaving badly, and the parent is furious. They can't believe their child would do such a thing. They want us to make an exception or insist that we must have misunderstood the situation.

I understand that parents want to defend their children. I'd want to defend mine too.

But we also have a responsibility to every other child at camp, and we can't ignore unacceptable behaviour because a parent is upset.

What we can do is listen.

I try to understand why the parent is reacting so strongly, explain what has happened and work with them to resolve it.

I've found that parents who are initially very difficult can become some of our greatest supporters once they realise we're genuinely trying to help their child.

I remember a father phoning us absolutely furious after his son had injured his ankle during an activity at camp.

He was angry about how the injury had happened and questioned the medical treatment his son had received.

It would have been easy to become defensive.

Instead, I tried to focus on his son. How was he doing? What could we do to help? I listened to the father's concerns and tried to understand what he was going through.

I think that boy went on to return to Sugar Bay more than 30 times.

I've often thought about that conversation. It could have ended very differently.

I wish schools gave kindness as much attention as marks

I'm fortunate that running Sugar Bay in Zinkwazi Beach, KwaZulu-Natal, has given me the opportunity to meet many school principals and teachers over the years.

When I was choosing a school for my daughter, one of the things that influenced me most was a conversation with a headmaster who spoke about the importance of teaching girls to be kind.

He placed enormous value on how the girls treated one another, and that meant more to me than academic results.

I've always believed that children should be encouraged to work hard and do their best at school. But being academically gifted doesn't automatically make someone a kind person.

That's something children have to learn.

And I think they learn it largely by watching the adults around them.

Our counselors have an enormous influence on the children at Sugar Bay. They're young adults themselves, often still learning how to manage their own emotions and relationships.

We ask them to put their personal worries aside while they're at camp and give the children their attention.

They have to be patient with the child who's struggling to make friends, with the child who's homesick, and sometimes with the child who's making life difficult for everyone else.

I've watched counselors grow enormously through that responsibility. Some of the most important lessons they learn come when they have to put another person's needs ahead of their own.

I sometimes think our counselors gain even more from camp than the children do.

And I think there's a lesson here for anyone who manages people, teaches children or raises a family.

We can tell children to be kind as often as we like, but they're watching how we treat people when we're frustrated or angry.

They're watching how we respond when somebody makes a mistake.

And they're certainly watching how we treat somebody we don't particularly like.

I'm still learning about kindness after 25 years of running Sugar Bay. The difficult situations are often the ones that make me think about it most.

I'd love to hear from other teachers, school leaders and parents about this.

When a child has been unkind to others, what have you found actually helps them change their behaviour?